


The Rules of Acquisiton:  A Ferengi Dating Guide

by phinnia



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23657749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phinnia/pseuds/phinnia
Summary: Quark and Odo's relationship, as told through the Rules of Acquisition.
Relationships: Jadzia Dax & Quark, Kira Nerys & Quark, Kira Nerys/Odo, Odo/Quark (Star Trek)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 54





	The Rules of Acquisiton:  A Ferengi Dating Guide

_Always inspect the merchandise before making a deal_.

The first time he really saw the Changeling was on Terok Nor, over a dead Cardassian. Not exactly the most romantic setting. But then, Quark had never been one for traditional or romance. 

Of course he knew about him, and he'd seen him around, but not in the bar. Never in the bar. He'd always wondered about that. Did he not have the latinum to spend, or was he just a prude, or what was the deal?

Of course it took a second before he connected 'I don't drink' with 'I don't actually _need to consume liquid beverages._ '

And yet he was still curious. It burned in him like a flame, hot and bright. If he could shift into _anything_ ... what else could he do?

_59: Free advice is seldom cheap._

"Evade." Frool says, throwing his cards on the table.

"Confront." Quark spots Odo across the Promenade and watches him arrest someone for disorderly conduct.

"Acquire." Jadzia grins.

The rest of the Ferengi groan, and she takes the latinum out of the pot and piles it on top of her own stacks.

"I'm out." Frool says irritably, tossing his cards down. Most of the other Ferengi say the same. 

Jadzia starts counting her strips of latinum. Quark keeps watching across the Promenade.

"Interesting." she says. 

"What is?"

"What you're looking at."

"And how do you know what that is?" He turns and glares at her.

She laughs, and he can hear the gentle clink of strips against strips. "And I've seen _that_ look too many times in seven lifetimes to count, Quark. You want some advice? Go after him." Her cobalt eyes are sparkling. "I think something _hot_ is burning in there, and you might want to be the one that takes advantage of that."

Quark snorts. 

But he does think about it.

_194\. It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door._

He tries to find out about Odo. As much as he can. 

Unfortunately, that's not a lot.

He was found someplace in the Denorious Belt, he 'grew up' at the Bajoran Institute for Science, there were papers written about him by a Doctor Mora Pol. Quark didn't bother to read them, because scientific papers were boring and none of the numbers were interesting in the least. He never bothered to read Natima's, after all.

So he just watches. And tries to stay one step ahead of him and claim to be a completely legitimate businessman. Which is, of course, obviously false, but a good lie is easier to believe than the truth.

So he watches and talks and chatters on about trivialities and deals he can afford to lose. 

But Odo's more than an adequate adversary.

And he can turn into things, which makes life interesting, if a little maddening. It's hard to trust anything. He finds himself sticking his fingers into drinks and shaking random barstools to make sure they're not Odo. 

Fortunately, most of the waitstaff figure out that Odo can turn into things in fairly short order. And if they get caught, well. Never too late to fire the staff.

_285\. No good deed ever goes unpunished._

Of course, there are some really good deals he has to let go. A shipment of Andorian beads, some fantastic Gramalian crystals. But Odo's good. Really, really good. 

Quark wonders how good he would be at sex. Sometimes he oo-moxes himself to a a sharp and shivering climax, thinking of that. 

_Time, like latinum, is a highly valued commoditity._

On the mountain all he can do is complain. 

He's freezing.

He's starving.

He's half-deaf.

And to make matters worse, Odo looks fantastic with his hair messy like that. 

If he weren't so cold and hungry, he would tackle Odo right now and kiss him until he had no sense left in his head and Quark actually finds out how good he is at sex.

But he can't let Odo see him like this. 

There are limits.

Complaining is one thing.

But seduction is a different thing entirely.

Besides, he's got a broken leg.

Not the best environment for seduction.

_35\. Peace is good for business._

Quark looks up at the stars and sighs, thinking about the twenty-eight billion people that almost died because of him.

At least his creditors are gone.

And Hagath's gone, thank the Blessed Exchequer. 

Plus he's not dead, and 'not dead' is always a better option than 'dead' in his books.

People will start coming back to the bar now that he's not dealing weapons anymore.

"You did a good thing, Quark." Odo says from behind him.

Quark snorts slightly. "Tell that to Sisko. He wants more latinum than I have to repair the cargo bay. I'm barely solvent as it is."

"You're lucky he agreed on an installment plan."

"I'm lucky Hagarth didn't snap my ears off and feed them to me whole."

"The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife."

"Rule of Acquisition number 46, I know." He turns from the viewport and really _looks_ at Odo. "Do you know _all_ the rules?"

"Yes, and all the commentaries, and all nine hundred major and minor judgements, plus all ten thousand considered opinions." 

"You've done research." Quark raises a browridge in respect.

"I don't sleep." He shrugs. 

"I don't sleep that much either. But I actually have to look up some of that up. At least the minor opinions, anyway." Quark yawns hugely. 

"You're tired."

Quark snorts to himself. "What else is new? I'm always tired, Odo. Hagath wasn't exactly somebody fun to have at your back. Brunt was almost nicer, at least he couldn't actually murder me. Although he might as well have, financially."

"His Naussicans almost did."

"Pah, don't remind me." 

"What are you doing?" Quark almost jumps out of his skin as Odo puts a hand on his shoulder.

"You need sleep. I'm making sure you go to your quarters instead of passing out in the hallway." And Odo walks him all the way there. 

Quark would invite him in, but he's almost too tired to think right now. He goes inside and changes clothes, falling into his bed and asleep instantly.

_98\. Every man has his price._

He hadn't been slapped by so many Cardassians since the Bajoran Occupation ended. There was always rough sex to lose himself in for a while. 

Then his _brother_ almost got _killed_ and that brought back horrible memories of his father's death and worse, and all because Odo was distracted _coupling_ (boning, bumping grubs, putting the latinum in the wallet, however you wanted to put it) with another _Founder_.

His people. Fucking the enemy.

He storms into the security office. "What in the name of the Vault of Eternal Destitution did you think you were doing?"

Odo is just ... sitting there at his desk, head bowed over the security padds. 

"I asked you a question." He leans over the desk and pokes him with one finger. 

"I don't know, Quark." Odo sighs. "I was ... occupied."

"You were _fucking_ while my _brother_ was going to _die_ , Odo. I mean, there's a Ferengi saying about a distracted policeman being an opportunity, but ... " He picks up a padd and smacks Odo across the head. "I should hang you by your lobes for this."

"You should." he sighs.

"Well?" 

"Well, what?"

"Was it worth it? I sure hope so." He throws the padd at Odo and storms out of the office.

_214\. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach._

He was eating squid after work (Nog had an excellent point - it was actually delicious in tube grub sauce) and looking over his Hupyrian beetle farm futures when his door chime rang.

Who could that be? He wasn't even doing anything.

"Just a second." Well, whoever it was, they were going to catch him in his least attractive pyjamas doing something ridiculously legitimate.

It was Odo. Of course it was.

"What?" Quark tries to look annoyed, but ends up looking curious instead, because Odo was holding out a bottle of his favorite slug juice. "Is this a bribe?"

"Don't be ridiculous." 

"Oh, you walk in here at oh-three-thirty and _I'm_ the ridiculous one." 

Now he was actually sloshing. Well, it was more like a swish. "I didn't wake you, did I?" 

"I'm eating. I don't eat and sleep at the same time." He demonstrated by eating another piece of squid.

"What _is_ that?"

"It's squid in tube grub sauce."

"Fascinating." He was still holding out the bottle. "Do you ... want this?"

"This is for me, and it's _not a bribe_?"

"No. It's a gift." He sets the bottle on the floor. "I should probably go and ... let you finish your squid."

Quark is too surprised to say anything as the doors close.

_208\. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer._

And then there's Kira. Of course. Beautiful _Kira_ who Odo's been pining over forever and who isn't a criminal and who's obviously better than _he is_.

Pah. 

At least Morn will listen to him complain. He has a lot to complain about now, after hours. And after one too many Black Holes. His head feels fuzzy by the time Morn leaves for his quarters.

He staggers home and runs right into Kira on her way to Ops.

"Quark." she says, holding him at arm's length. "Prophets, you're _drunk."_

"Yup." He giggles. "Two. Two Kiras. Funny. Black holes. I thought if I drank enough ... I'd turn into one."

"I see." She almost looks like she feels sorry for him. "Let's get you home, then."

"All the way back to ... Feren ... gin ... geningin ...ar?" Quark hiccups. "'Salongway to get there, you know."

She puts her arm around his shoulders. "No, just your quarters. Come on, let's go."

"Up a bit." he says, lolling his head backwards.

"Not touching your ears, even if you are drunk, Quark." She herds him into the turbolift. "Habitat ring."

Quark slumps against the wall of the turbolift. "So ... how'zza sex?"

"Pardon?"

"Oh, _the sex_. With Odo."

He tries very hard to enunciate. It's difficult, but he can do it if he tries.

"It's fine." 

"Great." he sighs, falling to the floor. "Great f'r you. Wonnerf'l f'r youuuu."

"I'm sorry, Quark." she says softly, helping him up.

"Sorry 'bout what?"

"Odo."

"Oh, howzzat y'r fault? Y'r nice and ... well, not ...y'r not me, right?" He stumbles on his way down the hall. "I mean, you're n't a terror'st no more, y'u're pretty ... I mean ... y'wear too much ... but ..." He stops as a closed door. "Issis my room?"

"It is." 

He unlocks the door and falls inside.

"Goodnight, Quark." Kira says softly. "I am sorry."

"Suuuure y'are." He eventually falls over a chair and starts snoring. 

_62\. Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of latinum._

And then, the bastard decides to leave. Of course it's not his idea. He has to heal 'the Great Link', of course. And he doesn't even bother to say goodbye. 

Quark opens a bottle of Bajoran springwine - the good stuff, sparkling, not that nasty stuff that Odo liked when he was a solid, not that stuff that Kira used to drink - and toasts him. Or, well, he toasts Odo's back, anyway. 

"Don't take it hard, Quark." Kira says, and he knows that she knows. Well, she's known for a while. 

"What are you talking about?" He forces a smile on his face. "That man loves me! It's written all over his back!"

And he argues with Kira about the betting pool over the new kai. But it's half-hearted and neither of them win the argument. And he drinks the rest of the bottle of springwine, and another bottle. And a third.

_217\. You can't free a fish from water._

But Odo actually does come back.

It's quite the surprise. Quark is talking to Morn (well, complaining, entirely complaining) over his shoulder when a Bajoran security officer sits down on one of the stools. The bar is crowded, though, and he can't get to him right away. "What'll it be?"

"Not sure." A familiar voice says. "Give me a minute."

"You can't be Odo, because Odo's gone forever." Quark stares out the viewport.

"Take a look for yourself, Quark."

"Why?" He says, irritably. "You're not Odo."

He is grabbed and spun around, and he stares at a familiar, half-formed face, with brilliant blue eyes. So like Jadzia's that he almost cries. But it is him.

"Odo?"

He nods.

Quark doesn't want to say something utterly stupid, like _is that really you_ or _I can't believe it_. Even though he thinks both of those things. 

"You're back for Kira, aren't you?" is what he says instead.

And then Odo kisses him - not on the top of the head this time, but on the mouth. Holds him around the shoulders like he's made of Koladian diamond surrounded by latinum filigree and keeps kissing him. A tongue slides along his lips, and Quark wonders if that was accidental, but it doesn't seem so, because it happens again. 

Quark blinks and looks up.

"Surprised?" Odo says, sounding awfully smug.

"Never thought you'd bother coming back here, honestly." Quark whispers. "Or if you did, you'd want her, not me."

"I always knew how you felt, Quark." Odo murmurs in Quark's ear. "But I had to heal the Link. And now I'm back."

"Stop that."

Odo blinks at him with innocence that Quark knows is fake. "Stop what, exactly?" He starts gently stroking the edge of Quark's left earlobe.

Quark bites his lip and gets Broik to finish his shift for him. 

He's got important things to find out, after all.


End file.
